Here we go.
After five years of trying to have our own little blond or bald baby, we've decided to just be parents. Not biological parents, but just parents. We made the decision to adopt a newborn domestically. There have been some pretty sad realizations for us, but this is not the place to talk about sad- we are very happy and excited about our choice and our future. The little kids we have in our lives right now make us laugh so hard sometimes, that we are confident that we can get past not having our own baby and find, easily, reasons to love the one we are matched with.
We knew nothing about adoption, but knew that if we wanted a baby this was the way forward for us. We learned of a few different types of adoption that existed, and one of those types is called open adoption. Open adoption is defined from adoptionhelp.org as: "the birthparents and adoptive parents meeting one another, sharing full identifying information, and having direct access to ongoing contact over the years."
On the surface, this scared the hell out of us! Right away, we both envisioned uncomfortable holidays where we brought some strange dysfunction to the table. Or worse yet, I think there was an image of us having to explain to our child who this lady was who kept showing up and asking for pictures. Fortunately, we went to an information session with the Independent Adoption Center in Indianapolis, where we learned that open adoption is almost the opposite of what we envisioned. Without getting too wordy, open adoption is where the birthmother chooses who will parent her child; we meet and set up parameters for the future and continue communicating after the baby is born. We go to wherever she lives, which could be in any state, and await the birth of our child, and if all goes as planned, we can bring our baby home upon the birthmother's discharge from the hospital. We correspond with the birthmother through pictures, letters, phone calls, e mails, etc., and some visits throughout our child's life, and eventually, in some cases, the birthmother becomes a part of the family. In other situations, the birthmother may be in and out of contact, but we just have to remember that she chose us to parent her child so that she could better herself and her situation, and to better his life. A birthmother may stay in contact for the first few years, and then her life may take her somewhere else.
There are many benefits of being able to know the birthmother, for us as parents, but more importantly, for our child. Our child will always know who his mother is and that she didn't give him up; she gave him a chance at a better future than she could give him. There are advantages to his health as well. If there is a biological history of a health issue, we will know that and can possibly prevent it, or at least be ready for it.
For the parents, open adoption holds a better chance that the birthmother won't be involved in heavy drug abuse or other dangerous situations. If she chooses open adoption, that means she wants to be involved in her child's life, not just cut all ties because she is embarrassed or ashamed of her own situation. We learned at our session that this is what sets apart open adoption from what some people assume adoption to be like. Another important aspect about the benefits of open adoption is that the birthmother is less likely to change her mind upon seeing her baby. She knows who is going to parent her child, and we were told that she will come to really like us and we her. She will be sad when she sees her baby, but after that passes, she should remember that we are going to give him a better life. It's going to be a very heavy time, and who knows how we will all handle it, but we are so comfortable with the choice of open adoption after hearing about the success rate of it. So, that's what we have chosen, and would like to continue to share with you through this blog. If you want to learn more about the agency we've chosen or open adoption itself, please visit their web site: adoptionhelp.org
Our next step is to go to the IAC's weekend intensive program, where we will learn more about the process and begin to set up our web site and letter to prospective birthmothers. Essentially, we will be learning how to market ourselves as parents. We will have to write about each other, our marriage, and why we would be good parents. This could be very hilarious.
Thanks again for being a part of our recruiting process! Commence the comments!